December 21st, 2005

Subject: Bastard... Time: 06:58 pm

You're (darvids0n) a pathetic little asshole. I've never been so angry at anyone that I'm ready to explode, but guess what, you broke that record. What have I done to you? What have I fucking done to you to deserve how you've treated me? I've never been anything except polite to you, I've always been kind to you. Yes, we've had our spats, mostly because you've been insensitive but I'm very sensitive, so I'll take some blame for that. So I get an email that says it's from Mandy. Do you all want to know what it says? "Die." I have cancer, I am fucking dying, I don't need you to remind me about it! And this bastard made it so that it looked like it was coming from Mandy! To try and punish me or Mandy for something, I have no clue what. She was justified in telling you to piss off! But Dave sent an email telling me to die, so there you go, that's the kind of friend he is! A poor one who doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself. At this rate, no one is going to want to even talk to him anymore! I hope he fucking realizes this now, because I'm done with him. I hope he realizes that if me or Mandy or Claire never talk to him again, all he has to blame is himself. You're a bastard Dave, I hope you rot in hell. ~J. Oh, and I'm reporting his email account for this: ( The Email ) I bolded the important parts. He packaged the letter in Mandy's email address. And then told me to die. ( Conversation )

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December 3rd, 2005

Time: 09:36 pm Current Mood: strong

"She had wandered, without rule or guidance, in a moral wilderness. . . . The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers,—stern and wild ones,—and they had made her strong..." - Nathaniel Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter In the novel, the Scarlet Letter (we're reading it in class, I've been trying to stay with it), the main character is labeled with the red letter A, adulterer. And...well, reading this passage, reminded me of myself. No, I don't have a scarlet letter embroidered on my chest, but I feel like it. I feel like I have a big C stamped on my forehead. And, yes, it imparts a certain amount of shame. No, it's not intentional shame, but it's shame nonetheless. Shame when I can't go to school everyday, shame when I have to say I'm too weak to go somewhere with my friends, and shame for every time I hear my family discussing me in low whispers. Despair, despair is easy to understand. Depair for having to face mortality at fifteen, losing a sense of innocence. Losing part of my childhood. Even if I survive, that part of me is dead, and I won't ever get it back. And solitude. I am alone. I am alone, no matter how many people check in on me everynight, no matter how many friends call everyday, no matter how many hugs I get from my boyfriend, and no matter how many doctors are fighting for me. My experiences, my illness are my own, and nobody can feel the pain for me. Nobody can understand the pain, no matter how hard they try. I have support, but it's like a gladiator fight. Thousands of people up in the stands supporting me, but it's my fight, my decision if I live or not. And I have no guidance, there is no one who can tell me what to do. There is no one who can tell me how to swing my sword, no rules for how I should feel. Are they making me stronger? I don't know. I think I've fractured into so many parts. A part of me is scared...so scared. Another part wants to scream in rage, another wants to cry. Then there's a part that remains logical, processing information, asking questions. There's a part that's hopeful...and then there's a part...that accepts it. There's a part of me that is perfectly calm and poised. I can feel her lingering now, whispering in my ear as I write this. She's the part I feel most often now. She's brave, not afraid of the end, should it come. She's so serene...and as I sat in church today, looking at the stained glass window of the virgin Mary by our seat, I know who that serene part is. It's my faith. Yes, I know I shouldn't be fatalistic, but that part that so reminds me of Mary holds me and tells me that no matter what, I'll be taken care of. If I die tonight, somebody will be waiting for me. And yes, people will grieve for a life so young lost, but it'll be okay, because I'll be with Our Lord. And, I know that. And while fear sometimes still grips my heart, it is only temporary. I am loved, I am taken care of. Holy Virgin Mary, you are reigning in glory, with Jesus, your Son. Remember us in our sadness. Look kindly on all who are suffering or fighting against any difficulty. Have pity on those who are separated from someone they love. Have pity on the loneliness of our hearts. Have pity on the weakness of our faith and love. Have pity on those who are weeping, on those who are praying, on those who are fearful. Holy Mother, please obtain for all of us hope and peace with justice. Amen When my grandfather was dying, my mother, brother, sisters, and I said that prayer every night while Mom held on tight to the medal of Mary that she kept on her bureau. I took it a couple nights ago, but Mom didn't say anything. I think she knows I have it, I think she knows I need it. That prayer didn't save my grandfather, I would be foolish to expect it to save me, but it's comforting. And, yes, I'm crying now, but I'm not for myself. I'm crying for my family, for the people who've ever loved me. You all...you all need to know I'm going to fight as much as I can, but if I die...then I want to go. I don't want to leave you guys, but I can't say what will happen. If I do go, know that I loved you, and I will love you, and I will be with you. I'm only afraid of the pain you will feel. I'm only afraid of what you will regret. Please don't feel guilty, please don't regret anything. My only request is that you live for me. Live each of your lives like you were living mine as well. That would be enough. And...if something happens...will someone (Zach? Mandy?) please show this my mom? The rest of my family should probably see it too...but I think mom would to see it the most. Thank you. ~Jaimie Serendipity Gorzelsky~

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December 2nd, 2005

Subject: Live... Time: 10:59 pm Current Mood: calm

Live while you can. For tomorrow, you might not be here. ~my philosophy~

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November 13th, 2005

Subject: Thanks Time: 11:38 am Current Mood: optimistic

To Everyone: Thanks, so so much. It means a lot to me that people I've never met care about me enough to pray for me. God bless you all, and thank you again. Anyway, not a lot of time to update. Marching band pratice, even though I'm too sick to actually march, I still want to be there to support them. I've decided the only thing I can do right now, until they find out what's wrong, is keep up with my life. I guess I tried to shut out my friends and family, but I need them now, and I need to keep living. Thanks again. Ciao all. ~Jaimie~

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November 11th, 2005

Subject: Help... Time: 04:12 pm Current Mood: scared

Mom can't look at me without getting tears in her eyes. Jess doesn't know what to say. Jenae is really quiet. Jake has called fifty times. And Dad keeps on checking up on me. God, I might be sick. I might be really sick. I don't want to be sick, please don't let me be sick. Aunt Karen died from this, God, I don't want to die. I want to live...I want to be okay. Please, please, I'm only fifteen. I haven't graduated, I haven't fallen in love, I haven't gotten married...there's so many things I need to do, and I can't, because...I might be sick. God, please, please if you can hear us. You should be able to, you should be able to hear all of us. Please, help me. Please let the blood tests be negative, please make all of us smile again. Please. I'm begging you, I'll do anything. I'll go be a nun if you want, it doesn't matter. I just don't want to die. Please, everyone, pray for me.

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October 5th, 2005

Subject: Family Dynamics Time: 01:36 pm Current Mood: angry

( Dave! :-p ) Now that that's out of the way... I hate my family. Anyone with over three people in their family would understand that big families SUCK. Okay, my parents barely even notice me! I came home yesterday and told mom that I ran a ten minute mile (TEN minutes! That's like, awesome!), and she says "That's wonderful dear." In that annoying tone parents get when they haven't heard a word you said. So to test her, (and be mildly sarcastic) I said "Hey mom, we blew up the Chemistry lab today." "I'm so proud of you Jaimie." And I SWEAR she almost said JAKE! Well, Jess was sitting there and she started laughing because she had been listening. Then here and mom started fighting, so to get away from it I go into the parlor to do my homework. Well, Jake and Big-lips are there making out, which is disgusting. Also, keep in mind that Jake doesn't even LIVE here, he just comes around to mooch!! So I ask them to quit it out so I can study. And big-lips turns and looks at me and says "Go do it in your room." And Jake LET her get away with it! So I stormed up to my room that I share with my ten year old sister, Jenae. She was "sick" (she really wasn't), so she had to stay in our room and annoy me while I try to study for my SAT! And I asked mom to tell her to quit it, and guess what my mother said? I'M being IMMATURE!! So, I sulked for a bit until Jake came up and tried to make me feel better, and I told him to go away. Then Jess came in. Let me just tell you about Jess for a few moments...she's the "black sheep" of our family, but everyone loves her. She's gorgeous, charming, and clever. She came up, sat down, and asked me how I felt. Well the first word to come out of my lips was "Invisible", because that's what I am. And Jess told me that I was only invisible, because I was afraid of being seen by anyone. Which...I have to think on.

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September 28th, 2005

Subject: Just something quick... Time: 09:54 pm Current Mood: depressed

Well, I'm tired, it's a sucky day, and I'm feeling rather depressed. That's all folks. ~Jaimie~

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September 27th, 2005

Subject: Okay, I swear I'll do the damn paper after this... :-p Time: 08:59 pm Current Mood: ditzy

In the past week, have you... 1. Had sex: That would require me to have lost my virginity, and I still know where it's at :-p 2. Bought something: Homecoming tickets this morning, I'm going with Tanya! 3. Gotten sick?: Nope! 4. Sang: Nah, I don't sing much. 5. Been kissed: That would require me to have someone to kiss! 6. Ate something: Who doesn't eat in a week except Ghandi? 7. Felt stupid: I am stupid! 8. Talked to an ex: We're not on speaking terms 9. Missed someone: I miss Jake :-( and all the seniors from last year Last person who.... 1. Slept in your bed: Jasper, Jack, or Jenae, probably all three... 2. Saw you cry: I don't cry very often...and when I do I don't like people to see me, but it was probably Jess 3. Made you cry: Dave for hating on me!! 4. Went to the movies with: Evonne 5. You went to the mall with: Evonne again :-p Have You Ever... 1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yep, I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. I've never said it to anyone except my family, Tanya, and Evonne yet. 2. Got in a fight with your pet: With Jack all the time! 3. Been to California: Yeah, when I was ten 4. Been to Mexico: I've been to New Mexico? 6. Been to Canada: Yeah, Toronto with the band. 7. Been to Europe: I'd love to go sometime! 8. Been to Bahamas: I wish! Random..... 1. Do you have a crush on someone: Maybe! 2. What book are you reading now: Trying to read my sociology textbook! 3. Worst feeling in the world: I don't know...I guess maybe not feeling anything 4. Future KIDS names: ANYTHING! As long as it doesn't begin with a J!!! 5. Sleep with a stuffed animal: I sleep with a pillow that I hug, but no animal 6. What's under your bed: Suitcases and possibly Jack 7. Favorite sports to watch: I'm not really the sports type :-p 8. Location: Pennsylvania 9. Piercing/Tattoos: Ears only, no tattoos. I think piercings elsewhere look kind of tacky. 10. Do you drink: A sip of wine at New Years sometimes 11. What are you most scared of right now: Failing my clases and not getting to go to Sydney :-( 12.Where do you want to get married: In the church my parents were married in 13. Who do you really hate: Murderers and people who hurt other people 14. Do you have a job: I wish! 15. Do you like being around people: Yeah, but I like being alone too. 16. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Once or twice :-$ 17. Have you ever cried: Hasn't everyone? 18. Are you lonely right now: Nah 19. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: "I will always love you" Dolly Parton 21. Played strip poker: No!!! 22. Gotten beaten up: I live with three siblings, of course I have! 23. Done an all-nighter: I always do with Tanya 24. Been on radio/TV: Yep!! I won tickets to a concert on the radio. 25. Been in a mosh-pit: Yep! 26. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: I don't think so... 27. Was this worth your time: Nope!

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Current Music: Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway Subject: I love getting emails! Time: 08:46 pm Current Mood: hyper

Honestly, it's so fun! I open up my email inbox, and there is email, and it's like...YAY! :-D Not to mention I got email from cool people, like Tanya, Dave, Mandy, Suz, and Evonne. Okay, well, Suz and Evonne wrote their email together. So it only counts as one, and Mandy's was a forward thing that she thought was funny, but Tanya and Dave wrote me nice sized emails, which is cool! Jasper scratched up Jess's chair, which she is throwing a fit about. I don't know why, because, hello, it's a chair. Meh, whatever. I'll just keep the pretty kitty in my room with me! Ugh, but I need to write this Sociology paper on the feminist perspective. I'll go do that now.

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September 25th, 2005

Subject: Hey everyone! Time: 08:19 pm Current Mood: geeky

~taps the microphone~ Is this thing on? Anyway, hi everyone. I'm Jaimie, and I have finally been talked into joining the LJ community. ...so... I have a kitten! We just got it, his name is Jasper, and he's black! He's so adorable!! Jenae adores him, although Jake isn't too thrilled about having a cat (allergies, although I don't know why he's complaining, he doesn't live here anymore!) That's all :-p ~Jaimie~

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