Serendipity

Bastard...

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 00:13:56 GMT

You're (darvids0n) a pathetic little asshole. I've never been so angry at anyone that I'm ready to explode, but guess what, you broke that record.

What have I done to you? What have I fucking done to you to deserve how you've treated me? I've never been anything except polite to you, I've always been kind to you. Yes, we've had our spats, mostly because you've been insensitive but I'm very sensitive, so I'll take some blame for that.

So I get an email that says it's from Mandy. Do you all want to know what it says? "Die." I have cancer, I am fucking dying, I don't need you to remind me about it! And this bastard made it so that it looked like it was coming from Mandy! To try and punish me or Mandy for something, I have no clue what. She was justified in telling you to piss off! But Dave sent an email telling me to die, so there you go, that's the kind of friend he is! A poor one who doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself. At this rate, no one is going to want to even talk to him anymore!

I hope he fucking realizes this now, because I'm done with him. I hope he realizes that if me or Mandy or Claire never talk to him again, all he has to blame is himself. You're a bastard Dave, I hope you rot in hell.

~J.

Oh, and I'm reporting his email account for this:

From : Amanda <lotusparadox@gmail.com>
Reply-To : lotusparadox@gmail.com
Sent : Monday, December 19, 2005 8:34 AM
To : j.a.i.m.i.e@hotmail.com

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Die.

I bolded the important parts. He packaged the letter in Mandy's email address. And then told me to die.

Between Dave and Mandy's boyfriend, Josh (forgivenson)

Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
hey Josh
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Hey
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
um, I know I don't talk to you, like, ever, so I'll bet you're wondering why I said hey
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Just a little
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
do you know if Mandy's still angry at me?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Most likely
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Would you blame her?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
it depends what she's told you
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
obviously she's given her side so you're predisposed to agreeing with her, also you're her fiance
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
She showed me exact logs of what was said to you
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
*her
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
I saw the conversations
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
right.
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and you're angry at me, or at least were?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
~shrugs* I just don't care...
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Anger wastes too much energy and emotion, that I can direct to more important places
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
too true
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
hm
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
still
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And the argument has little to do with Mandy and you...
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
It became because of the blatant insensitivity shown towards Jaimie
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
but the outburst does
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay, whoa
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
The spamming Mandy's journal with snide remarks - that was secondary
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
it was one line of one conversation
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay that too
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and oh
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
um.. shit
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
dw about it
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
it's not worth getting into
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Why not?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Worried that the hole's already too dep?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
*deep
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
rofl, if I was worried about that I wouldn't have asked you if she was still mad
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
if I knew it was beyond the point of no return, I would have accepted that I could never get to talking to her, let alone become her friend again
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And are you talking to her?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
you tell me
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
she still has me blocked
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and deleted from everything it's possible to be deleted from
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And you still think you haven't passed the point of no return?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
yup
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
oh btw, since you're my only link to Jaimie, how is she doing?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
I haven't heard
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
How's things with Claire?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
she hates me..
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
she's almost done the same thing that Mandy has done
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
with the blocking
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
So losing the three women you love...now you're suddenly seeing that maybe you did somethign wrong after all?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and such
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
I know
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
the three?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
I talked to her
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
oh?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You were in love with Mandy
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
pfft
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You were in love with Colaire
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
I wasn't
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And...I don't know...you had some kind of attachment to Jaimie
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and...
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
oh yes
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
*Claire
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay I'm just going to make the situation with Mandy + Jaimie a lot worse for myself now.. but at least it will clear things up
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
if Mandy ever says something to you about an email which she didn't send.. or something.. tell her it was me
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Okay, you'd better explain the situation completely, now
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
huh?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
What did the email say, who was it sent to, and why was it sent in Mandy's name?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
I don't even know if it was sent
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and anyway, if it was, she'll know what it said
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and who it was sent to
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
I have a bad habit of making things worse
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You've done that already, and seem to be doing a damned good job of continuing to do so
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
well you're not getting anything outta me, wait for her to say something to you
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
or you can ask her
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
so I'll just stop talking to you now. because I have to go to bed anyways
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
good luck with marriage and so forth
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Good luck with life
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Perhaps one day you'll grow up enough to realize that you seem to be managing to hurt everyone you konw
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
*know
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
I do realise that, Josh
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And perhaps on that day, you'll realize that there's more people in this world than just yourself
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
and I always try to fix the things I do
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Yeah, well, fixing isn't always the option
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Cutting your losses and running, sometimes works better
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
as in, I shouldn't have talked to you tonight?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
As in Mandy doesn't want to talk to you, Jaimie doesn't want to talk to you, Claire doesn'tw ant to talk to you -a nd the only reason you CAN talk to me is because I just don't think about you enough to have blocked you...
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay, I'll stop harrassing all of you if you promise not to hunt me down and kill me
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
It's not a joke, Dave...
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
I'm not going to hunt you down - because, like I said, it's an effort that's not worth my time
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You need to stop thinking you can laugh everything off...
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And start thinking about other people's feelings
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
even if you knew what the email said?
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
BEFORE you've hurt them...
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
yeah
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
That depends on what it said
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
I tend to do it afterwards
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
and who it was sent to
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
well the second one's easy, I told you in the same message (up)
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
okay I should stop this. now.
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
seriously, it's not good for my health
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
goodbye, Josh
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You sent Jaimie an email
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
that was supposedly from Mandy?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
mmhmm
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
And what did it say...
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
no way.
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
I'm not telling you
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
If you've hurt EITHER of those girls further...
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
oh, I have
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
When was this?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
hm.. last night? I think
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
wait, I have an LJ entry which tells the world how stupid I was, I think
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
What did it say, Dave?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
no, no I don't
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You've buried yourself already...you might as well tell me
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
you don't understand how much deeper I can be buried if you knew what it said
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
anyway, is it okay if I block you? because you won't really stop until you know what it says
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
No, but you've got this ONE chance to at least TRY and make some redemption from this fuckup
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
I might be able to save at least SOME of the emotions of Mandy and Jaimie...if I can warn them in advance
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
You have one opportunity, Dave...
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
warn them about said email?
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
nope, I'm afraid Jaimie's just going to have to read it
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
sorry Josh
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
*block'd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*
~Jaguar {Friendship, Loyalty, Love, Eternity} says:
Fuck you
Daaave! {Playing Games} says:
nice to know you too

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 03:22:44 GMT

"She had wandered, without rule or guidance, in a moral wilderness. . . . The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread. Shame, Despair, Solitude! These had been her teachers,—stern and wild ones,—and they had made her strong..." - Nathaniel Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter

In the novel, the Scarlet Letter (we're reading it in class, I've been trying to stay with it), the main character is labeled with the red letter A, adulterer. And...well, reading this passage, reminded me of myself.

No, I don't have a scarlet letter embroidered on my chest, but I feel like it. I feel like I have a big C stamped on my forehead. And, yes, it imparts a certain amount of shame. No, it's not intentional shame, but it's shame nonetheless. Shame when I can't go to school everyday, shame when I have to say I'm too weak to go somewhere with my friends, and shame for every time I hear my family discussing me in low whispers.

Despair, despair is easy to understand. Depair for having to face mortality at fifteen, losing a sense of innocence. Losing part of my childhood. Even if I survive, that part of me is dead, and I won't ever get it back.

And solitude. I am alone. I am alone, no matter how many people check in on me everynight, no matter how many friends call everyday, no matter how many hugs I get from my boyfriend, and no matter how many doctors are fighting for me. My experiences, my illness are my own, and nobody can feel the pain for me. Nobody can understand the pain, no matter how hard they try. I have support, but it's like a gladiator fight. Thousands of people up in the stands supporting me, but it's my fight, my decision if I live or not.

And I have no guidance, there is no one who can tell me what to do. There is no one who can tell me how to swing my sword, no rules for how I should feel.

Are they making me stronger? I don't know. I think I've fractured into so many parts. A part of me is scared...so scared. Another part wants to scream in rage, another wants to cry. Then there's a part that remains logical, processing information, asking questions. There's a part that's hopeful...and then there's a part...that accepts it.

There's a part of me that is perfectly calm and poised. I can feel her lingering now, whispering in my ear as I write this. She's the part I feel most often now. She's brave, not afraid of the end, should it come. She's so serene...and as I sat in church today, looking at the stained glass window of the virgin Mary by our seat, I know who that serene part is. It's my faith.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be fatalistic, but that part that so reminds me of Mary holds me and tells me that no matter what, I'll be taken care of. If I die tonight, somebody will be waiting for me. And yes, people will grieve for a life so young lost, but it'll be okay, because I'll be with Our Lord.

And, I know that. And while fear sometimes still grips my heart, it is only temporary. I am loved, I am taken care of.

Holy Virgin Mary, you are reigning in glory, with Jesus, your Son.
Remember us in our sadness. Look kindly on all who are suffering
or fighting against any difficulty.
Have pity on those who are separated from someone they love.
Have pity on the loneliness of our hearts.
Have pity on the weakness of our faith and love.
Have pity on those who are weeping, on those who are praying, on those who are fearful.
Holy Mother, please obtain for all of us hope and peace with justice.

Amen

When my grandfather was dying, my mother, brother, sisters, and I said that prayer every night while Mom held on tight to the medal of Mary that she kept on her bureau. I took it a couple nights ago, but Mom didn't say anything. I think she knows I have it, I think she knows I need it. That prayer didn't save my grandfather, I would be foolish to expect it to save me, but it's comforting.

And, yes, I'm crying now, but I'm not for myself. I'm crying for my family, for the people who've ever loved me. You all...you all need to know I'm going to fight as much as I can, but if I die...then I want to go. I don't want to leave you guys, but I can't say what will happen.

If I do go, know that I loved you, and I will love you, and I will be with you. I'm only afraid of the pain you will feel. I'm only afraid of what you will regret. Please don't feel guilty, please don't regret anything. My only request is that you live for me. Live each of your lives like you were living mine as well.

That would be enough.

And...if something happens...will someone (Zach? Mandy?) please show this my mom? The rest of my family should probably see it too...but I think mom would to see it the most.

Thank you.

~Jaimie Serendipity Gorzelsky~

Live...

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 04:04:02 GMT

Live while you can.

For tomorrow, you might not be here.

~my philosophy~

Thanks

Sun, 13 Nov 2005 17:01:47 GMT

To Everyone:

Thanks, so so much. It means a lot to me that people I've never met care about me enough to pray for me. God bless you all, and thank you again.

Anyway, not a lot of time to update. Marching band pratice, even though I'm too sick to actually march, I still want to be there to support them. I've decided the only thing I can do right now, until they find out what's wrong, is keep up with my life. I guess I tried to shut out my friends and family, but I need them now, and I need to keep living.

Thanks again.

Ciao all.

~Jaimie~

Help...

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 21:18:29 GMT

Mom can't look at me without getting tears in her eyes.

Jess doesn't know what to say.

Jenae is really quiet.

Jake has called fifty times.

And Dad keeps on checking up on me.

God, I might be sick. I might be really sick. I don't want to be sick, please don't let me be sick. Aunt Karen died from this, God, I don't want to die. I want to live...I want to be okay. Please, please, I'm only fifteen. I haven't graduated, I haven't fallen in love, I haven't gotten married...there's so many things I need to do, and I can't, because...I might be sick.

God, please, please if you can hear us. You should be able to, you should be able to hear all of us. Please, help me. Please let the blood tests be negative, please make all of us smile again. Please. I'm begging you, I'll do anything. I'll go be a nun if you want, it doesn't matter. I just don't want to die.

Please, everyone, pray for me.

Family Dynamics

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 17:47:50 GMT

PERFECT FIFTH. The most solid of all of the
intervals -- you serve as a foundation upon
which everyone else builds themselves. You
believe in simple truths, and think most of
that "emanipation of the dissonance"
talk should be taken with a pillar of salt.
Beloved by Medieval and early 20th century
composers, you should avoid walking in the same
cardinal direction as any of your like-minded
friends. We wouldn't want any parallel fifths,
you know...

What musical interval are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Now that that's out of the way...

I hate my family. Anyone with over three people in their family would understand that big families SUCK. Okay, my parents barely even notice me! I came home yesterday and told mom that I ran a ten minute mile (TEN minutes! That's like, awesome!), and she says "That's wonderful dear." In that annoying tone parents get when they haven't heard a word you said.

So to test her, (and be mildly sarcastic) I said "Hey mom, we blew up the Chemistry lab today."
"I'm so proud of you Jaimie."

And I SWEAR she almost said JAKE!

Well, Jess was sitting there and she started laughing because she had been listening. Then here and mom started fighting, so to get away from it I go into the parlor to do my homework. Well, Jake and Big-lips are there making out, which is disgusting. Also, keep in mind that Jake doesn't even LIVE here, he just comes around to mooch!!

So I ask them to quit it out so I can study. And big-lips turns and looks at me and says "Go do it in your room." And Jake LET her get away with it! So I stormed up to my room that I share with my ten year old sister, Jenae.

She was "sick" (she really wasn't), so she had to stay in our room and annoy me while I try to study for my SAT! And I asked mom to tell her to quit it, and guess what my mother said?

I'M being IMMATURE!!

So, I sulked for a bit until Jake came up and tried to make me feel better, and I told him to go away.

Then Jess came in.

Let me just tell you about Jess for a few moments...she's the "black sheep" of our family, but everyone loves her. She's gorgeous, charming, and clever. She came up, sat down, and asked me how I felt.

Well the first word to come out of my lips was "Invisible", because that's what I am.

And Jess told me that I was only invisible, because I was afraid of being seen by anyone. Which...I have to think on.

Just something quick...

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 01:57:01 GMT

Well, I'm tired, it's a sucky day, and I'm feeling rather depressed.

That's all folks.

~Jaimie~

Okay, I swear I'll do the damn paper after this... :-p

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 01:15:42 GMT

In the past week, have you...
1. Had sex: That would require me to have lost my virginity, and I still know where it's at :-p
2. Bought something: Homecoming tickets this morning, I'm going with Tanya!
3. Gotten sick?: Nope!

4. Sang: Nah, I don't sing much.
5. Been kissed: That would require me to have someone to kiss!
6. Ate something: Who doesn't eat in a week except Ghandi?
7. Felt stupid: I am stupid!

8. Talked to an ex: We're not on speaking terms
9. Missed someone: I miss Jake :-( and all the seniors from last year

Last person who....
1. Slept in your bed: Jasper, Jack, or Jenae, probably all three...
2. Saw you cry: I don't cry very often...and when I do I don't like people to see me, but it was probably Jess
3. Made you cry: Dave for hating on me!!

4. Went to the movies with: Evonne

5. You went to the mall with: Evonne again :-p

Have You Ever...
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Yep, I wouldn't say it unless I meant it. I've never said it to anyone except my family, Tanya, and Evonne yet.
2. Got in a fight with your pet: With Jack all the time!
3. Been to California: Yeah, when I was ten
4. Been to Mexico: I've been to New Mexico?
6. Been to Canada: Yeah, Toronto with the band.
7. Been to Europe: I'd love to go sometime!
8. Been to Bahamas: I wish!

Random.....
1. Do you have a crush on someone: Maybe!
2. What book are you reading now: Trying to read my sociology textbook!
3. Worst feeling in the world: I don't know...I guess maybe not feeling anything
4. Future KIDS names: ANYTHING! As long as it doesn't begin with a J!!!
5. Sleep with a stuffed animal: I sleep with a pillow that I hug, but no animal
6. What's under your bed: Suitcases and possibly Jack
7. Favorite sports to watch: I'm not really the sports type :-p
8. Location: Pennsylvania
9. Piercing/Tattoos: Ears only, no tattoos. I think piercings elsewhere look kind of tacky.
10. Do you drink: A sip of wine at New Years sometimes
11. What are you most scared of right now: Failing my clases and not getting to go to Sydney :-(
12.Where do you want to get married: In the church my parents were married in
13. Who do you really hate: Murderers and people who hurt other people
14. Do you have a job: I wish!
15. Do you like being around people: Yeah, but I like being alone too.
16. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Once or twice :-$
17. Have you ever cried: Hasn't everyone?
18. Are you lonely right now: Nah
19. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: "I will always love you" Dolly Parton
21. Played strip poker: No!!!
22. Gotten beaten up: I live with three siblings, of course I have!
23. Done an all-nighter: I always do with Tanya
24. Been on radio/TV: Yep!! I won tickets to a concert on the radio.
25. Been in a mosh-pit: Yep!
26. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: I don't think so...
27. Was this worth your time: Nope!

I love getting emails!

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 00:51:53 GMT

Honestly, it's so fun! I open up my email inbox, and there is email, and it's like...YAY! :-D

Not to mention I got email from cool people, like Tanya, Dave, Mandy, Suz, and Evonne.

Okay, well, Suz and Evonne wrote their email together. So it only counts as one, and Mandy's was a forward thing that she thought was funny, but Tanya and Dave wrote me nice sized emails, which is cool!

Jasper scratched up Jess's chair, which she is throwing a fit about. I don't know why, because, hello, it's a chair. Meh, whatever. I'll just keep the pretty kitty in my room with me!

Ugh, but I need to write this Sociology paper on the feminist perspective. I'll go do that now.

Hey everyone!

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 00:23:14 GMT

~taps the microphone~

Is this thing on?

Anyway, hi everyone. I'm Jaimie, and I have finally been talked into joining the LJ community.

...so...

I have a kitten! We just got it, his name is Jasper, and he's black! He's so adorable!! Jenae adores him, although Jake isn't too thrilled about having a cat (allergies, although I don't know why he's complaining, he doesn't live here anymore!)

That's all :-p

~Jaimie~